Guilt

Buddy Bear wrote a wonderful blog entry on guilt a week or so ago - I don't know how to link to it but peruse for it; it's worth reading. It's been on my mind because I am riddles with it right now.

We're on vacation. A lit of what is going through my head is that I'm going to fuck it all up. The kids, the wife, the life. My kids are amazing and that's not just the proud father. Sure they bicker and argue on occasion. But they get along amazingly well with each other.

Then the guilt or second guessing comes in. If I (selfishly) act on being gay/ move out/change how things are will this negatively impact the kids. Of course it will. But will having a dad who is disconnected be any better?

And that is what I am now. This morning C drops a "I need more. I know you're not attracted to me sexually (true), but I need to think someone cares.". I do care, but I can't seem to be able to give her what she wants. Then I get cranky and disconnected. I can feel the depression moving in like the high tide - slowly and inexorably.

But now a couple of hours later it hasn't. Being in the moment and enjoying where I am helps. The meds do too I'm sure. The tension is still there. Do I stay or do I go - the song is going through the head. But right now I'm where I am waiting while the oldest tries on a dress.

Tomorrow P-town if it is going to happen. Did many of the things on the to do list. Still need to do the meditation to begin to center again. I haven't read any if the books I brought!!



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Democracy sucks

Outvoted 6 to 1 and stuck in a Christmas Tree Shop!!



But got time to look email and blogs.

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The smell of ocean

We made it. 5 hours of driving. For logistical reasons we take two vehicles. The oldest and I left first. We missed our goal of 7 am. Thank god. The oldest likes coffee, but Starbucks was a bit strong for the oldest taste.

Sad news. No Internet connection. Have to use the phone and type with my thumbs.



Feels good to be here. I grew up with this sort of geography. And the smell of the ocean. I love the smell of the ocean. Sand on the feet. The wind.

It's been a bit hectic getting everything set. The people before us and or the cleaning people leave a lot to be desired.

Time to be the kids.

(3 hours later) We went to the beach and found a sand dollar. I used to find them by the dozen as a kid.


It feels wonderful to have my feet in the water.


The last time we were here, 2 years ago, we were in the same house. I remember getting here and going to bed. I don't think I could get out of my own way for the first couple of days. It was only a few months PD (post disclosure).

So much has changed in the past two years. So much remains the same. It has indeed been and continues to be a long strange trip.

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I Love NY

New York approves gay marriage!!

SLOW DOWN ELMF

So two of the kids and I were running a last minute errand.  Okay, I was running off to work to get a couple of books I wanted to peruse in the next week.  There has been road construction on a main drag near work for the past 15 months - part of the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act. 

So we get to the intersection where it is particularly bad; I avoid it at all costs during the day.  I notice that it looks like they may be repaving this part of the road again.  Then we see the oddest sign as we wait at the light.  It's a new sign; it wasn't there in the afternoon when I was going home.

 SLOW

DOWN

ELMF

It's flashing toward the traffic coming down the other road into the intersection; the road they're working on.  We talk about the sign - slow down elm-f.  Slow down elf.  We start to laugh.  I pull forward as far as I safely can. Still we see "SLOW DOWN ELMF".  What does it mean?  What the heck is an "elmf"? 

The light turns green and we move through the intersection.  And we see it.  "SLOW DOWN BUMP".  We were missing the right hand side of the letters on the last word.  From our perspective we could not see the whole picture.  We could see most of it, but since we couldn't see it all we were left to guess and couldn't even get close.

Wonderful teaching opportunity.  The youngest and oldest were with me.  We talked about how when you can't see the whole picture you can jump to a conclusion that's wrong.  Or as in our case you may not even have a clue as to what's going on.

A few yards down the road it dawns on me.  I can't see the whole picture.  I can't even see most of it all the time.  All I know is my little piece and that is all I have to work with.  This is oddly freeing.  I may be seeing ELMF with regard to being gay and married to a woman.  But a decade ago I couldn't even see that there was a sign let alone that there might be a message on it. 

Next month or next year, if I continue to do the work and remain on the journey, I may see a little more of the sign.  I may discover a missing part that changes how I view things.  Like this sign told us, there will inevitably be bumps on the road.  When there are I will slow down to navigate safely, but keep moving in the best direction I can make out with the partial picture I can see at that time.

But all I can do is respond to the picture that I currently see.

Vacation!!

With luck we will be off to Cape Cod early tomorrow.  Our high schooler had her last exam yesterday.  C is feeling a bit under the weather at the moment so we will see how that develops.  She and the high schooler were sick over last weekend. 

Been thinking about the Cape.  We did not go last year.  The year before we did go.  I was severely depressed for the first day or two.  Some of it was work.  Most of it was that I had come out to C a scant 3 months before hand.  It was all new and fresh and depressing.   I was not able to be very present to anything at that time.  That is one thing that's stayed - I have difficulty being present where I am.  Mostly because I am not happy, content with where I am.

While we are not talking about it I think we are both approaching this as potentially our last vacation as a "family" in the traditional sense of the word.  If we keep moving as we are it is likely that we will be separated at least in spirit if not physically by next summer.  (I should mark this post to be looked at in a year to see how accurate my powers of prediction are!!).    That will likely make vacation a little more stressful.   My goal is to leave most of that stress behind.

My other goals for vacation:

1. Rest
2. Spend quality time with the kids
3. Spend some quality time with C - with luck avoid anything too deep (yes I'm avoiding and plan to continue for a while)
4. Read a good book.  I usually pack WAY too many.  I think I have bookmarks in 5 or 6
5. Go to the beach nearly every day and get into the ocean
6. Have at least a half a day alone preferably toward the end of the week once I've already relaxed.  Spend time reflecting and being.  P-twon if possible to spend time just being. 
7. Post to the blog using the new program from my phone.
8. Meditate at least a few times - I haven't meditated in a while and I miss it; it centered me
9. Get to the Vineyard
10. Get to an amateur baseball game - go Yarmouth-Dennis Red Sox!!
11. Perhaps do some nude yoga - thanks Long Haired Boy for the picture.

12 goals for  7 days - we'll see.  And no I won't be doing nude yoga, even though it looks tempting.  I think I would get distracted.

On the road tomorrow, early.  Next stop Cape Cod.

"Is it possible to come out of the closet late in life?"

Blogger has a few neat features for the author (their word not mine) of a blog.  It's sort of interesting to see where hits come from.  I have a hit from Trinidad and Tobago - I have a friend who was born in Trinidad.  A lot of folks link in from Buddy Bear's Blog One Step at a Time even before his kind plug yesterday - thanks Buddy Bear!!  21% of folks us a Mac (so do I) and one person used the browser Qt - I had never heard of that before.

But the most interesting thing I saw was the search terms used to find the blog.  One reader searched for "Is it possible to come out of the closet late in life?"  I know one of the most shocking things for me was trying to wrap my head around being married for 20+ years and saying I was gay.  They're incompatible aren't they.  I can't be gay if I've been married that long.  Sure there was the boy next door, there was the attraction to Tom of Finland, there was the suspicion that I just wasn't like all the other guys, and there is the fact that when outed to a brother-in-law his response was, "Yeah, we've thought that for a while." 

I am fortunate to live near a major city with a meeting for gay/bi men who are married to women.  Two years ago at my first meeting as we went around the room at least 6 of the 10 or so guys there said that they began the process of coming out after being married for 23 years.  I remember the number since it was how long C and I were married at the time. 

So yes it is not only possible to come out late in life, it is also possible to do it well.  There are a few things that have been life sustaining in this journey for me.  In no particular order they are:

• Being around other gay men as a gay man.   I stay mostly closeted in daily life.  That I'm gay could have negative consequences where I work.  Not so much for me directly, but for the organization's ability to do it's work.  It's complicated and one of the reasons I'm actively looking for work.  Nuff said.  So being around other gay men as gay also is huge, it's validating, it's affirming.
• Honesty.  For me it has paid off to be honest with C about being gay.  I know this is NOT the case in every circumstance nor have I always been honest.  But I have been as honest as I can be at any given moment.  Part of my struggle is to live with integrity as a gay man.  I want to begin that now. 
• Blogs - reading others blogs is amazing.  The details are often very different, but the struggles are amazingly similar - how do I tell my wife I'm gay.  How do I integrate being gay into my life with kids.  How do I divorce well.  How to deal with gay adolescence when one's children are adolescents!  Is there hope on the other side.  That others have had very similar struggles and report hope on the other side is heartening.
• Online groups.  There are a ton of online groups that I've run into.  Some I've loved, some I haven't.  But there are enough out there that one can get connected.  Some I've seen have in person meetings on occasion as well for that all important face to face exposure. 
• Keeping my head in the moment.  I've spent an amazing amount of time wondering and worrying.  Yes, Buddy Bear is right that for me guilt and worry have been ubiquitous (I love that word).  At each step I worry about the future and am guilty about things that haven't yet happened and may never happen.  None of that helps.  When the focus is on what I am doing in the present I do better.  I did not at the age of 10-12 years old say I want to grow up to be a gay man married to a woman and leave after 25 years.  I entered our relationship with as much honesty and self knowledge as I was capable of at the time.  The question now is what do I need to do to live with the most integrity.  And no - that is not a cop out at least it isn't necessarily one.

So, yes it is possible to come out later in life.  I'm not sure even what constitutes later in life.  But it is the moment I have now that matters.  Coming out to myself has been a vital step in seeing, acknowledging and understanding who I am.  To the extent that I validate and honor that gayness I see a calmness, peacefulness, and joy come into my life that hasn't been there for a long time, if ever.  And when I do not acknowledge or honor the fact that I am gay, as I have all too often over the years, I am cut off, truncated spiritually and emotionally.