Saturday, April 25, 2009

Three Days Later

Three days - fells like three months. The wife's reaction is amazingly compassionate. Mine is more mixed - loathing, fear, anger. On the one hand, I want to jump ahead 5 years. On the other, I know there is no way over but through.

In a way we are closer than we have been in a very long time. The closet was a barrier that was pushing us apart. We are able to talk a lot more candidly, or at least I am, than I have been able/willing to in years.

I think I mentioned the Pink Floyd song Comfortably Numb above. Numb sums it up very nicely, but it is anything but comfortable.

I've cried each day; talking with the wife is difficult at times. At others it is life saving. Thank you God we can laugh. We laugh at the situation more than daily.

Her goal is to keep us married. I want not to hurt her or the kids with every fiber of my being. As I've told her there is no one waiting in the wings. But I don't know if I can commit to continuing. I can for today and even next month. But I cannot at this point commit for ever. I said so today - a pall fell.

This still sucks.


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