Sunday, April 12, 2009

In the beginning

Easter Sunday 2009

What a long strange trip it has been (and promises to continue to be).

I love the 'Q' in LGBTQ. Queer and questioning - that about sums it up. Questioning sanity, questioning orientation, questioning everything at this point. There are some things I know. I know I am blessed with a wonderful family. I know I am not sure where I am going or how I will get there. I know that I don't want to cause devastation to those I love. I know that writing this could cause that very devastation. Queer - odd, different, strange - sums it up too.

So - today.

Church was nice. I noticed myself looking at the men in the choir. Not terribly attractive men - at least those my age. Then I thought (hoped?) I noticed one noticing back - too young.

After church we had some family time, a wonderful meal, a movie we watched together, a walk. It was a bit chilly, so the girls turned back. My youngest and I continued on. I came to the realization that I needed to be writing, but could not think of a safe space to keep a journal.

Then the realization struck - hide it publicly. So these are my musings; if they help someone else great, but that is not the purpose. My intention is to be honest, brutally so. This is a journal after all and they say that its therapeutic. My plan is to continue as long as it is.

My goal over the next week or so is to play catch up on the story. But where I am now . . .

I'm a 40-something who has been married for 20+ years with wonderful children.

A couple of days ago I contacted a clergy person I know who is gay for advice. Fr. Ray, I'll call him - he's an Episcopal priest. I wanted input as to the efficacy of going to a group at a LGBT center's group for married men. Fr. Ray is the only person I've come out to at this point. Hell, I haven't really come out to myself at this point. Punxsutawney Phil - that's the name I should have used for the blog.

Feelings are all of the map. On that walk I took today, over and over the thought kept coming - as I walked with my youngest - "Jim don't fuck this up, don't fuck this up!" As of yet, I haven't in any sense of the word. But I want to walk. I want to be straight. I want to go back 20+ years and take that other path - not that I thought it was a choice. I want the voices to go away. I want peace. I want to be able to be out. I want to be into having sex with my wife. I want to explore beyond that. I want space.

And this, dear reader, is the space - space to reflect and be; space to say what I mean and mean what I say, even knowing that what/who I am and how I view that will change over time.


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