It's done, well almost

A big day today.

But first to recap.  I had intended, but don't think I wrote about Fathers' Day.  C and the kids bought me things for the new apartment - for my new apartment.  Very thoughtful gifts as well. 

Bittersweet.

The kids continue to appear to be doing well.  Given the situation so does C.  We are able to connect meaningfully.  At least when I don't hold back in an attempt to not hurt her - which of course does.

At work and church the story or parts of it have spread.  By this time tomorrow I should have filled the board of my organization - that I'm gay and that separation is imminent.  It's always interesting how people interpret events when they don't have the full story.  My more perverse side doesn't want to correct such "interpretations."  But given that one person who is a friend of C's heard only that we were separating and seriously thought she was moving on because of my stroke is sufficient not to allow that perverse nature to prevail. 

So today I put down a deposit on an apartment.  It's about 3 miles from C and the kids.  I was a mess before I went to give the landlord the deposit.  But have felt peace since. 

I still get stuck in the "I don't like how all this is working out; it's not fair!"  Sure it's not.  A lot in life isn't.  And I've had my share of good things as well - starting with that stroke that by all rights should have been devastating.  The birth of child #2 which should have been devastating and somehow was not. 

But when I can get beyond such this is still the best option that I can see.  And one that I am looking forward to.  Gratitude matters a great deal and changes a lot of my outlook.

I get the keys on Saturday.  Gas, electric, internet and tv are all set up to be connected on Saturday. 

My goals:

1. Keep a clear head. 
2. Keep clear communication with C.  We met 30 years ago and have depended on each other heavily for at least 29 years.
3. Breathe.  
4. Do things for me to get me into the community.  There's an organization that works with LGBT youth in town.  Perhaps volunteer there.  This will get me knowing more than the guys I've met at meetings and will be an opportunity to give back.
5. Breathe some more.  
6. Cry as needed; feel joy as needed.

Early day tomorrow.  I have to be out of the house by at least 8 to help C with a chore.  

Deafening Silence

I bailed on a meeting earlier today.  A meeting aimed at supporting me.  I've been doing that a bit recently.  I've bailed on meetings, turned paperwork and contracts in after they were expected.  Been distracted at work and inefficient.  It's been worse this week since C is off with the kids visiting her parents. 

At the same time I am searching for an apartment and beginning to collect things I'll need.  I found a dining room table and chairs and leads on apartments on Craigslist.  Who knew Craigslist offered such things!!

I've been busy - out each evening for a support sort of meeting with LGBT friends or work (or both).  I was sort of planning to stay in tonight, but we'll see. 

When I'm home the silence really is deafening.  I like silence.  I have at times regularly sat in meditation for 20 minutes a day.  Something to add to my to do list.  But it is different when something is missing - the voices and the presence of C and the kids.  And you realize that soon you will miss those voices even more. 

Soon you will move away from those voices. 

Side note:  Google Images is interesting.  I searched deafening silence and got a number of images like the above.  But one of the images was the one below.  It is true.  And right now it is no easier that I have decided.  But I believe that it will become easier.  Indeed it is easier in that now I have a direction.  It's impossible to know how to get to where you are going if you don't know where you are going.

Back from eating and to work.

Ceteris Paribus - all else being equal

C and I  talked with the kids Friday last.  I began in such a way that the kids were pretty relieved that I wasn't going to die of cancer soon.  C's dad is sick and I had my stroke so it's not all that far-fetched.  To be clear I did come out to them and told them that there were welcome to tell whomever they pleased, but that with some friends there could be repercussions - not on the parts of the friends necessarily, but on the part of the parents.  It is clear to us in subsequent conversations with the kids that they do understand the gravity of what is/will be happening. 

The advice we got from just about everyone was off in significant ways.  Tears and confusion followed.  We left time for questions and there weren't many.  We left time over the weekend and there were not a lot of questions.  Their world was not rocked.  One of the kids in conversation with C both hoped that she would be able to have another relationship and that it never occurred to her how difficult divorce is for the parents.

I'm not sure what we've done to raise kids with so much maturity - actually I do have a few suspicions.  But I am certainly not complaining.

That leaves me with the bittersweet task of finding a place to stay.  We've bounced a lot of things off of each other - right now the thinking is that I'll get a two bedroom apartment so the kids can be over 2-3 times per week.  I'll pop over at least once per week for a meal we'll all eat together.  The kids have requested that I should be close by.

At this point two emotions are competing with each other.  One is guilt.  The other is a combination of anticipation and peace.   I feel a peace in a way that I have not in quite a long time.  I know there will almost certainly be things that are very difficult with the kids going forward.  But since the kids seem reasonably unharmed by my revelations I can look to the next stages.  The peace and anticipation come in when I look forward to who and what I can be.

- - - - -

So after a couple of days of writing the above I feel on a roller coaster again.  The change I'll undergo in the next few months is profound.  I don't like change much; I never have.  Generally, it causes me to freeze up.  Which is what I've done albeit briefly.  I don't want, I cannot, live in the pain of yesterday for any period of time.  C noted that a lot of the pain on her part has already passed.  Yes I know and she knows that the next bit will be tough. 

That (freezing up) is not something I can afford to do.  If I do that nothing will change.  And nothing changes until I do.  If I don't change, the circumstances around me will not change.  And that will be harmful to C, the kids and to me.  It is time to again write goals down for the coming week so I can hold myself accountable. 

Most of all I want to be accountable for moving through the pain.  I noted that C has moved through some of hers.  I have been less able to do that.  I've been holding on, trying to maintain the status quo. 

I've worked hard for things to be otherwise.  But they are not.

I've tried to maintain the relationship with C and we have done well.  Ask folks who know us about our kids.  But I cannot maintain it as it currently exists.

All other things being equal we have a wonderful relationship.  But things aren't equal.  Things cannot be equal.  There is that one pesky independent variable floating around.  I'm gay. 

It is time to change, to be the change I wish to see, to honor who I am.  More importantly, it is time to go to bed so I can play hooky tomorrow to take two of the kids out.