I'm not sure if I am back in the saddle, but I am stuck in the same old crap as usual. Still married; still substantially in the closet; still peering out every now and then. But the blog has offered a good way to vent and figure things out.
On the good front since late winter I have changed work and moved 700+ miles west into America's heartland - God help me!! The city we are in however is very gay friendly and I am reasonably close to the closest thing to a gayborhood. The work is similar, but with support.
The issues as I (continue to) see them:
1. I'm married and love my wife. I don't want to do anything that will hurt or harm her.
2. I am gay. I'm not bi. I don't know if I were bi whether it would work. But I notice guys not girls - especially the one at that counter at City Market around 2pn yesterday.
3. I continue to work in a situation where I worry that being out would be harmful.
4. What I'm doing now isn't working.I'm getting sick of the taste of sand in my mouth.
5. I'm off the anti depressants - no health insurance. And most of the time that's ok. Sometimes it is not.
So I feel as if I'm on a treadmill - running as fast as I can and standing still. The problem is I keep staying on the damn treadmill. What I know - the times when I really acknowledge deep down - I'm gay, I am better off. I tend not to acknowledge it deep down.
So just writing and thinking about what I've been writing over the last couple of days has helped. It acknowledges who/what I am.
I listened to an interesting podcast while running today. The guest of the show was asked if he felt he was a victim of the ex-gay sort of movement that forces (or tries to) change or at least remain closeted. The guest said no, that that had never been an explicit message. He closeted himself. I agree and that is me too. BUT - while no adult ever said explicitly (that I remember) that being gay was bad, it was there in the air. Hell no one ever told me that armed robbery was a bad idea or jumping off the roof of the house was a bad idea.
So - onward and upward. I will at this point keep on keeping on and find some way that works for me to acknowledge the gay in a way that works for me.
