St. Patrick's eve and croppy holes

It is fitting that the post be on the eve of St. Patrick's Day.  It's been a hell of a year.  It's been a hell of a ride. 

It really has been a long strange trip.

St. Patrick's Day gets me thinking of Republicanism (of the Irish and certainly not the American kind).  A drive everyone a bit crazy playing Irish music in March.  But hell I'm the boss. 

One song, "The Wind that Shakes the Barley" has come to the fore this year.  For the more literary minded Heaney has a poem in Door into the Dark called "Requiem for the Croppies" that speaks the same incidents.

After dying in the struggle, the United Irishmen were buried in unmarked graves by the English.  The next year though barley or other grain would appear where the unmarked graves were.  The rebels often would carry grain in their coats as rations. 

The barely signified two things.  One was to mark the grave.  The other to show that in the midst of death life can spring up unexpectedly.  And in remembrance give hope for a better future.

Now I've not spent the past several months on death or the sadness.  Rather I am amazed that I am doing so well.  C and I get along quite well.  We went out the other night to the symphony to celebrate her birthday.  The kids all seem to be doing okay as well.  Certainly, they have had issues, but nothing compared to where I was at the same ages.

More importantly, I don't spend a good bit of each day wishing that I would or planning how to die.

Life has sprung up well.  Certainly it is like the wind though the barley.  There is a bittersweet remembrance followed by immense gratitude for the life that has sprung up out of a croppy hole that I thought/feared would be an inescapable abyss.

I think it's time to end the blog. 

I'll leave it up for folks on the journey to see.  The journey is a hard one.  But it is not undoable. 

Don't do it alone.  Those were the darkest times when I kept it all inside.  "Reach out, touch faith" you are not alone unless you choose to be.  There are a fuckload of us (mixed orientation marriages) out there. 

You aren't alone

Jim

Happy fuckin' anniversary

A week. An eternity.  

It's been a week now since I've moved out.  I spent much of yesterday with at least a few of the family.   The middle child it turns out is not taking things well.  

The apple doesn't fall far from the dysfunctional tree.  She is like me in keeping things bottled up.  We have connected her with the help she needs.  

Yesterday was particularly rough since it was/would have been our 28th anniversary.   The day was rough for both C and myself.  For most of it I was down.  Especially in the evening.  As always with me depression is an all too attractive alternative.  Or likely if not attractive. 

This morning however I got up and ran for 7 miles.  I am continually amazed at the difference running makes.  The attitude shift is amazing. 

I'm watching the third swim for a bit.  Tonight C, the kids and I are going to a baseball game.   

At this point I'm getting used to the new arrangement.  My plan is to do that through mid-August.  At that point kids will be back in school.  Two big projects at work will be done.  At that point I think I'll be willing and able to volunteer some time and skill toward LGBT projects - a good way to meet folks and to do good.  I've increased my meetings with a focus on gay or gay-friendly groups.   

All in all doing okay at this point.  It's amazing how much has changed and how little has changed.  

Random picture of my new table cloth.  I think I'll have to iron it later.  

Now let's see if this posts from my phone - the wonders of modern technology ;)

It's done, well almost

A big day today.

But first to recap.  I had intended, but don't think I wrote about Fathers' Day.  C and the kids bought me things for the new apartment - for my new apartment.  Very thoughtful gifts as well. 

Bittersweet.

The kids continue to appear to be doing well.  Given the situation so does C.  We are able to connect meaningfully.  At least when I don't hold back in an attempt to not hurt her - which of course does.

At work and church the story or parts of it have spread.  By this time tomorrow I should have filled the board of my organization - that I'm gay and that separation is imminent.  It's always interesting how people interpret events when they don't have the full story.  My more perverse side doesn't want to correct such "interpretations."  But given that one person who is a friend of C's heard only that we were separating and seriously thought she was moving on because of my stroke is sufficient not to allow that perverse nature to prevail. 

So today I put down a deposit on an apartment.  It's about 3 miles from C and the kids.  I was a mess before I went to give the landlord the deposit.  But have felt peace since. 

I still get stuck in the "I don't like how all this is working out; it's not fair!"  Sure it's not.  A lot in life isn't.  And I've had my share of good things as well - starting with that stroke that by all rights should have been devastating.  The birth of child #2 which should have been devastating and somehow was not. 

But when I can get beyond such this is still the best option that I can see.  And one that I am looking forward to.  Gratitude matters a great deal and changes a lot of my outlook.

I get the keys on Saturday.  Gas, electric, internet and tv are all set up to be connected on Saturday. 

My goals:

1. Keep a clear head. 
2. Keep clear communication with C.  We met 30 years ago and have depended on each other heavily for at least 29 years.
3. Breathe.  
4. Do things for me to get me into the community.  There's an organization that works with LGBT youth in town.  Perhaps volunteer there.  This will get me knowing more than the guys I've met at meetings and will be an opportunity to give back.
5. Breathe some more.  
6. Cry as needed; feel joy as needed.

Early day tomorrow.  I have to be out of the house by at least 8 to help C with a chore.  

Deafening Silence

I bailed on a meeting earlier today.  A meeting aimed at supporting me.  I've been doing that a bit recently.  I've bailed on meetings, turned paperwork and contracts in after they were expected.  Been distracted at work and inefficient.  It's been worse this week since C is off with the kids visiting her parents. 

At the same time I am searching for an apartment and beginning to collect things I'll need.  I found a dining room table and chairs and leads on apartments on Craigslist.  Who knew Craigslist offered such things!!

I've been busy - out each evening for a support sort of meeting with LGBT friends or work (or both).  I was sort of planning to stay in tonight, but we'll see. 

When I'm home the silence really is deafening.  I like silence.  I have at times regularly sat in meditation for 20 minutes a day.  Something to add to my to do list.  But it is different when something is missing - the voices and the presence of C and the kids.  And you realize that soon you will miss those voices even more. 

Soon you will move away from those voices. 

Side note:  Google Images is interesting.  I searched deafening silence and got a number of images like the above.  But one of the images was the one below.  It is true.  And right now it is no easier that I have decided.  But I believe that it will become easier.  Indeed it is easier in that now I have a direction.  It's impossible to know how to get to where you are going if you don't know where you are going.

Back from eating and to work.

Ceteris Paribus - all else being equal

C and I  talked with the kids Friday last.  I began in such a way that the kids were pretty relieved that I wasn't going to die of cancer soon.  C's dad is sick and I had my stroke so it's not all that far-fetched.  To be clear I did come out to them and told them that there were welcome to tell whomever they pleased, but that with some friends there could be repercussions - not on the parts of the friends necessarily, but on the part of the parents.  It is clear to us in subsequent conversations with the kids that they do understand the gravity of what is/will be happening. 

The advice we got from just about everyone was off in significant ways.  Tears and confusion followed.  We left time for questions and there weren't many.  We left time over the weekend and there were not a lot of questions.  Their world was not rocked.  One of the kids in conversation with C both hoped that she would be able to have another relationship and that it never occurred to her how difficult divorce is for the parents.

I'm not sure what we've done to raise kids with so much maturity - actually I do have a few suspicions.  But I am certainly not complaining.

That leaves me with the bittersweet task of finding a place to stay.  We've bounced a lot of things off of each other - right now the thinking is that I'll get a two bedroom apartment so the kids can be over 2-3 times per week.  I'll pop over at least once per week for a meal we'll all eat together.  The kids have requested that I should be close by.

At this point two emotions are competing with each other.  One is guilt.  The other is a combination of anticipation and peace.   I feel a peace in a way that I have not in quite a long time.  I know there will almost certainly be things that are very difficult with the kids going forward.  But since the kids seem reasonably unharmed by my revelations I can look to the next stages.  The peace and anticipation come in when I look forward to who and what I can be.

- - - - -

So after a couple of days of writing the above I feel on a roller coaster again.  The change I'll undergo in the next few months is profound.  I don't like change much; I never have.  Generally, it causes me to freeze up.  Which is what I've done albeit briefly.  I don't want, I cannot, live in the pain of yesterday for any period of time.  C noted that a lot of the pain on her part has already passed.  Yes I know and she knows that the next bit will be tough. 

That (freezing up) is not something I can afford to do.  If I do that nothing will change.  And nothing changes until I do.  If I don't change, the circumstances around me will not change.  And that will be harmful to C, the kids and to me.  It is time to again write goals down for the coming week so I can hold myself accountable. 

Most of all I want to be accountable for moving through the pain.  I noted that C has moved through some of hers.  I have been less able to do that.  I've been holding on, trying to maintain the status quo. 

I've worked hard for things to be otherwise.  But they are not.

I've tried to maintain the relationship with C and we have done well.  Ask folks who know us about our kids.  But I cannot maintain it as it currently exists.

All other things being equal we have a wonderful relationship.  But things aren't equal.  Things cannot be equal.  There is that one pesky independent variable floating around.  I'm gay. 

It is time to change, to be the change I wish to see, to honor who I am.  More importantly, it is time to go to bed so I can play hooky tomorrow to take two of the kids out. 

Transition

It's a time of transition.

Our oldest graduated from high school this evening.  She grown up a lot in the past bit.  She was going to celebrate with a friend afterward and as she was getting out of the car she said, "I love you."  She thanked us all for going to her graduation.

Unfortunately, we haven't made a big deal out of it.  Our transition has taken a lot of energy.  C is beginning to feel the reality of the pain of our impending separation.  It's made some of our conversations a bit more difficult.  It does not help that a person who she was beginning to depend on has wigged out.  The person was beginning to be able to be a replacement sounding board for C - a role that is less possible for me concerning the separation.  As much as possible we are walking this together in the same way we've done the whole process - healthfully.  I am grateful.

Our plan at this point is to tell the kids before the end of the week.  More C's timing than mine.  I tend to procrastinate such things in case that's not obvious.  C and the oldest then have a trip planned later in the week for orientation for our oldest.  Then C and likely all of the kids are off to C's parent's to visit her dad who is not doing as well as we'd like.  He has cancer.

The word is getting around.  C took it upon herself to tell my mum about the situation.  C has a good relationship with her - not telling, but one of those situations where in C's conscience not telling the whole truth is a lie.  Not telling my mum meant C was speaking to her.  I've begun to tell folks at work some of what is occurring.  Have I mentioned before that C and I work together and that I happen to run the small nonprofit?  What a tangled web? 

And while all this is happening I've begun to look for apartments.  I saw one today; I have two scheduled for tomorrow.  Getting an inexpensive one bedroom apartment that is still livable should be interesting.  Fortunately, we've moved away from Boston, NY and DC where the rental market is markedly worse than here.  I think either of the places I'll  see tomorrow could be fine. 

Not that C and I have talked about a date for moving out yet.  Contingency planning on my part.  I think we both realize that since we are doing this, it is better to do it quicker.  The hanging on is not making it easier. 

The biggest stress now is the kids.  Cameron has it right in the note to the last post.  Kids are flexible.  Not that this will be easy.  The reactions will likely get to what does this mean for me - it was when my folks got divorced.  Since  there is no drama between C and me and since we plan to emphasize our love for them, there will be a lot less disruption than I felt.  Of course I won't disappear unlike my dad.  We have a roughed out plan to continue to eat together at least one night a week. 

Once we've told the kids we'll have to do the work of separating. 

I am reminded again that contradictions can live in the same space.  I dread and yearn for that time of separation.

Good Week

But a tough one all the same.

I've been back at work full time for a couple of weeks now since my stroke.  That seems to be going well.  I seem to be distracted, but that is at least as much a reflection on what is going on personally.

I've been running again.  It's been a while since I ran regularly.  I've begun logging runs.  Time to think about a 5K.  Perhaps the one at Pride.

C and I have had a few tough chats.  A likely direction is that we'll keep the kids where they are and move around ourselves.  Some of the details of this could messy with competing needs.  I have to keep in mind that I need to be firm about things I really need and giving about things I do not, but C does. 

Most of all we're talking dates for telling the kids - early in the first week in June.  The kids start summer break and C needs to go see her dad who is sick.  My therapist has suggested we write down notes about what we'll say to the kids.  With luck we'll go over them this weekend.  Suggestions about what has worked are more than welcome :).  Most important on the list is that we still love the children, this is not their fault and we'll work with them to make this manageable. 

On my part this all feels surreal.  Great joy and great sorrow really can live in the same place at the same time. 

But I've moved on.  For some years I've been stuck in Stage 3 of  "Autobiography in Five Short Chapters" in this post.  I've been culpable for walking down the same street, seeing the same pit and falling in.  But now I've avoided the pit.  And soon I will be on another street.  Perhaps Frost's less traveled path.

A couple of themes have been running through my head today.

One has to do with the fact that a sibling of mine was adopted.  Another is the Robert Frost poem that I think I've quoted before.  First to my sister.  She was adopted as an infant.  My parents did a wonderful job of telling the story.  As I recall the story it went something like

We wanted another child.  We couldn't have one.  So we began to look for one.  And we met you in coffee shop with the social worker and fell in love.  But we had to wait until we could take you home.

There were a lot of details about the meeting. About her coming home.  About love and anticipation.  I think they began telling her the story before she could comprehend it. 

Yet still she needed to discover who she was.  She met, only once, her birth mother.  I remember too my parents' incredulity about others who waited to tell their children or those whose children found out on the own.  The incredible damage that that could do.

I think I understand that damage.  In a sense I've been living it.  My life was upended.  My life was upended by the years of repression and suppression.  It is as if I don't know myself and have never been able to know myself.  Much like if I were to discover my adoptions papers as an adult.  All is thrown into question.  Nothing is trustworthy.  Nothing is safe.

Frost's poem, "The Road not Taken."

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

I had the privilege today of meeting with a small group of people.  It is a group that is aimed at keeping me accountable for the journey of separation from C.  To challenge and support, to force (encourage) me to make tough choices and to make me remember those who will be affected.  I asked to be held to remembering that regardless of anything else that I would like to be reminded that I am no longer at the point where I see the road diverging in a yellow wood.  Because I have taken the other road and soon will reflect on way leading to way so that the divergence of roads is but a memory.  I may be sorrowful that I cannot be one and travel both roads.  But I cannot be split in two.  I can no longer safely trod the other road.  While it has appeal and seems the easier softer way, it has been a road that has not worked. 

Leaving the group this morning my heart was heavy.   It is good to be more open - not a strength.  The group this morning and others help accomplish this - when I allow it.  The blog too helps.  The steps are scary.

Where we are:

1. We've set a range of dates today - the first week in June  - to tell the kids. 
2. We've begun discussing living arrangements.  It doesn't help that this is something we both want to avoid. 
3. While not a trial separation, we've set a time frame of a year to reevaluate.  Frankly, in part so I can hedge my bets.

Where we need to go:

1. I need to be careful not to give up things I ought not.  And to make sure I am accommodating where I can be. 
2. We need to talk about a time frame for moving out.
3. We need to talk finances for the first year or so.
4. Find a place that is safe for the kids and convenient to their schools.

Pity Party

Been a day.

Everyone around here is a bit down and the dumps and cranky.  I feel responsible for everything.  I've been distracted or rather unable to concentrate today.  TGT and my options, worries about the future, concerns about balls I've dropped are the order of the day. 

My mood reflect the weather here - cold and wet.

On the other hand there is a bit of anticipation as well.  Cameron is right in his comment here that there is hope of a brighter future with renewed and new traditions that I can build.  But I want to stamp my feet, take my toys and go home - to avoid the pain I'm in and I'm causing others.  That will all get worse as we tell the kids.

The resolution for today is

1. To feel that pain (I've spent far too much time ignoring it) 
2. To find communities I can share with - I had been near a city that had a gay dad's and another gay married men's group.  I have different communities here.  And need to reach out more.
3. To continue to realize that I can no longer go back.  The way is forward.  This is the easier, softer way.  

Decision before therapy next week - oh did I say therapy was  today

1. Living arrangements
1. Where will I live
2. How close to C
2. More on strategies to talk with the kiddos

And most of all - to find other people to confide in.  Tonight I wanted to tell C that I feel like I've dropped so many balls over the years.  But that's not hers to hear.  Or maybe it is - get clarity around that sort of boundry.

So not a pity party.  But a realization that there is a lot of heavy lifting to do.  And that I am making the  effort to lift with my knees and not my back :)

Mother's Day

Not as easy as it "should" be; not as difficult as it could have been.

For the past few years Mother's Day has been tough.  This year it was a bit tougher.  I got the comment wait to Father's Day when it's the last one as an intact family.  That I think sums up the mood here,  Or rather with C.  I am more of the opinion that telling the kids will be rough;  helping them deal with it will be rough.

But I cannot wait.  While I may be downplaying the difficulties, they cannot be as difficult as the past few years.  I am the best place I've been in for 10+ years.

And the answer is (or was) stagnant

It's been and interesting time.  I wonder if the concussion I got last year had longer lasting affects than I thought.  I've been stagnating on decision making for the last few 6 months.  The stagnation is now over.

The last couple of months have been particularly interesting.  At the end of February of this year I suffered a stroke.  The I have recovered from the stroke amazingly well.  I've returned to work full time as of yesterday.  I really have recovered well.

I offer the above because my symptom was only sudden trouble speaking - I didn't know there was a problem for hours.  I thought I was tired until I saw a friend who is a nurse.  Most folks in a similar situation are not so lucky.  This article in the Guardian showed me how lucky I am.

I've been stressed for a long time, of course.  TGT or rather suppressing TGT has caused a lot of stress.  As a result C and I had a therapy appointment on Gay Day (the anniversary of me coming out to C and a day we've said we'll go out for Indian food).  Well after therapy we did indeed go for Indian.  We came to the conclusion that what we are doing is not working.

The plan - 

• Get continued support for ourselves
• Talk with the kids - possibly as early as the first week in June once kids are out of school
• Physically separate 
• Likely this summer
• We're discussing possible scenarios that will work for us

So while the answer I posed 7 months ago in my last post was stagnant - it no longer is stagnant.  Sort of like a log jam breaking.
Feelings are all over the map.  I won't presume to talk of C's feelings.  But I've run the gamut from excited to terrified to depressed to contented.  The most steady feeling is of the inevitability of this. 

 

Stagnant or Resting

I worry that I am stagnating. 

This is not an unreasonable fear.  I have moved very slowly through the process of coming out into a place where I know I cannot be married.  To put it another way - I know I am not moving too fast.  So the question about the few weeks is:  Am I stagnating or just resting?

My knee jerk reaction is that I am stagnating.

I've noticed a tendency over the years.  I will often be hard on myself when there is no cause to be.  And I will often cut myself a break when I need a boot in the ass.

In this case I think it is the former.  I am poking around looking at living arrangements.  I am helping take care of the kids and C.  I am doing what I need to take care of myself - I am back on meds for depression at least for the next bit.  I am trying to take care of things at work - but am VERY distracted. Perhaps most importantly I've done some heavy lifting.  I've told C that we can no longer be married - a couple of years ago I would have bet I would never be able to do that.

I am in other words doing the things I need to do.  At this point I am coasting or resting in order to recuperate from the recent heavy lifting and to prepare for even more heavy lifting.

Truth be told - I am looking forward to being able to just be.

Onward and upward.

 

Doing vs. Being

I've been a little caught up in how things are going to look when C and I part ways.  What will I do?  Where will I live?  What does this mean for me when I am older?  Lest you think I'm completely self-centered I worry about this for C too, but naturally spend more time on myself.

I don't know the answer to any of these questions.  The questions scare me; that I don't have a clue as to the answers scares me.

It dawned on me as I began my acupuncture appointment that I am not asking the right questions.  Now these questions are important - I need to live somewhere.  I need to know what my relationships will look like, etc.  But they are not at the crux of the issue.  They are not the reason I started down this path.

I need to integrate who and what I am into my life.  I need to be gay in a way that is authentic to my lived experience.  For me that does not include, very unfortunately and disappointingly, being married.  So the questions I need to ask don't revolve around whether I'll live next to C, across town or in P-town.  Instead they are what does it mean to be gay.  What will it be like to be able to be gay, to be authentic.  How will it feel not to be lying to yourself.

The being and the doing both have to be addressed and integrated.

Guilt

I work with a Jewish guy.  Over the course of the 18 months or so that I've been working where I currently work we've gotten to be friends.  I've told him more than once that our mothers must be sisters.  Mine is a good Irish Catholic woman and his is a good Jewish woman - both in many ways wonderful, but also very good at throwing guilt. 

Even though that I have long ago walked away from Catholicism I still am a guilt-catcher - if there is guilt in the air I get it, even if no one is throwing it in my direction.  It seems to be in the DNA - my son can do much the same.  We're working on it with him.

Right now I am not quite paralyzed by, but certainly affected by guilt.  C is, of course, in a good bit of pain.  Her marriage of 27 years is coming to an end.  And I've been a good husband to her and for her.  Not perfect, but we've been good with and for each other.

My reaction the seeing the pain is to feel guilty.  The guilt and not wanting to see C in pain lead me to wondering if we can somehow stay together.  C's pain would be alleviated as would my guilt.  A couple of things came together in the past half day or so.  The first is that I realized last night that C will be okay.  This is big and painful.  But in the end it will not destroy her.  My guilt and shame over the past few years blew all that up to be significantly out of proportion with reality.

The second thing is a re-re-realization that I cannot stay together sanely.  And thus separation is better for C and better for the kids as well as myself.  I cannot be if we are together.

Both were confirmed by C this morning.  Last night she had texted saying she was sad.  I feel responsible for that sadness - she is not throwing guilt; she is letting me know what is going on.  C noted this morning that her feelings were all over the map.  That at times it was all overwhelming and at times she thinks we can do this.  I noted that I feel responsible for her pain.  She noted that in my action there is no reason for this feeling.  She is right.  The responsibility and guilt I feel is misplaced; it is inappropriate to the situation. 

Guilt is a wasted emotion.

In my case here guilt has and could lead to staying married and continuing on the cycle of depression I've been on. 

I have a friend, who I think would be shocked and dismayed to know I'm gay, who likes to say guilt is a wasted emotion.  He is right.  If I have done something wrong, it needs to be rectified; I need to do something to change it, to make it right.  Guilt may be helpful in initiating that process, but that is about it.  In my experience it quickly gets in the way.  If I didn't do anything wrong, then guilt is inappropriate.  It may indicate something in me or something in someone else, but it is not an appropriate emotion.

Goals

1. Breathe
2. Remember guilt is a wasted emotion
3. Remember C will be ok - you are not the be all and end all
4. Remember the cycle - avoid repetition of it

New Life

Life is amazing.  It seems to be able to survive all sorts of difficulty.  I've always been amazed to see life sprout through the cracks that we people put in the way - sidewalks, walls.  A little dirt, a little rain, a little sun and something is growing. 

I've been under that concrete sidewalk for so long.  I've seen the light for quite a while now.  But I haven't always moved toward the light.  Indeed, sometimes I've been repelled by it.  However, now I feel the breeze and I can feel the rain.  I have begun to sprout through to new life.  What a long strange trip it has been.

Now I know that the struggle is not over.  Parts of the next months will be excruciating.  Life can be painful, sometimes unfairly so.  But I am squarely on the path in a way that I don't think I ever have been before.

The goals for today are:

• Keep breathing - I notice that this is easier now
• Keep my gay contacts going - have coffee tomorrow night with a friend; call another today.
• Keep letting C know where I am/how I'm feeling while treating her with kindness and compassion.  In other words proceed with mindfulness.
• Try to focus better at work.  Today has been better so far.

The times they are a changin

October 1st.

C and I both bailed on work this morning.  Last night was a rough one.  More tears.  More pain.

I feel the guilt of being gay and causing harm to my family, but it is different now.  I know the guilt is false, unhelpful, and counterproductive.  I do not stay there overly long.

I do feel the pain.  I see the pain in C.   And I anticipate the pain that I will see in the eyes of the kids.

But we are committed to continuing to move forward.  Therapy yesterday was rough, but we know we need to have a plan.  C knows for certain that I cannot live with something like the status quo.  And we are committed to doing this as well as possible for ourselves and the kids. 

All the options we are considering include different living situations for each of us. 

When I can pause and put the pain aside, real hope starts to seep in.  As C has noted I haven't always been that fun to be around for the past 4-6 years as I dealt (or didn't) with being gay and married over the past bit.  I've been miserable and it has shown in my interactions with others including the kids. 

The hope is that now that I can simply be who I am I can settle in to a new life, a different life that is more integrated.  It is not a life that will exclude C or especially not the kids, but it is a life where I am.  Where I am able to just be.  Where I am able to be whole and authentic.  Where I do not have to hide.

That gives me hope.  The nice thing is even in the pain of all this I see that hope starting to come to fruition.

Progress?

Wow.  I feel both lighter and heavier today.

On Monday at couples therapy I was able to indicate, while crying like Niagara Falls, that the marriage cannot go on as it is.

This is the big one I've been avoiding and fearing for a while.

The world did not come to an end.  While I knew it would not intellectually, I still did emotionally have concern about that.

C is okay.  She's only lashed out once - and was correct in her assessment that our move to the Midwest from the east was a mistake.  At least it was in the sense of the gay thing.  She then apologized.  I do not think I would be doing as well as she is.  Her poise and strength here make it all that much harder.

I know there will be tough times going forward - but we have the chance to do this well.

Goals for the day:

1.  Show up - be available for C
2.  Breathe
3.  Keep taking the psych meds - yep I'm back on anti-depressants for the past few days.

Overwhelmed

It's been a long time since I've been paralyzed by all of this.  I'm not sure why I am paralyzed now or why it's been a while.  I suspect both are because I am on the brink of something different.  I have decided that I cannot sanely be married and gay.  I can't be not-gay.  I've tried that; it doesn't work.  Therefore, I cannot be married to a woman.

Then the waves crash in.

They threaten to overwhelm.

I was feeling the wave today - and it was not pretty.  I was anxious enough to find a place at work to curl up in.  Reading email was too much - everyone wants a part of me - there are too many things to do and setting priorities was overwhelming.

In looking for a picture of a tidal wave - which is what I felt I was in the midst of - I found this picture.  I may have used it before.  It is not a tidal wave, but a huge wave on the open sea. 

It puts it in perspective oddly enough for me.  Peoples of the sea, including some of my ancestors in Lough Foyle and the cold North Atlantic, have for millennia survived inundation.  That realization has helped.

I too can survive the wave.  I will get wet; I may get battered around.  But I will survive.  And a newer feeling - I want to survive.  Shades of Gloria Gaynor and I Will Survive.  Damn I really am gay.

    

Sadness

I've been thinking about sadness.  I've been feeling it quite a bit too.

Yesterday in my individual therapy appointment it came up.  I am just plain sad about where I am.  That includes that it looks like the marriage with C is over.

When I fully consider that - when I can hold and really look at that the sadness can seem overwhelming.  Or I fear that it can be.  But the more I really look at it the more I realize the size of the sadness.  It is large, but not gigantic.  It demands attention and accommodation, but it  does not have to overwhelm me.  I can let it, but I no longer have to allow that.

I find it odd that I hadn't realized that before.  That some of my reticence in moving forward is fear of the feelings of sadness and grief that it will engender in me.  That the sadness is of course real.  And that it too shall pass.

I found it odd when I looked for an image of sadness that there wasn't a lot out there.  Or rather there wasn't a lot out there that was really about sadness.  Many of the images were stylized.   Do we avoid grief that much?  I certainly have.

Today I am sad.  Today I know it will not last for every.  Today I will feel my sadness and not let it overwhelm me.  That is amazing progress. 

Today I will continue to move forward through the sadness and grief. 

Tomorrow I will be okay.  Today I am okay.

Breathe.  (which is becoming a mantra, and rightfully so)

A week?

Has it really been a week since I posted?  Time does fly.

Work has slowed down from the insanity that was August.  I'm still working too much - a 13 hour day yesterday, 10 hour day tomorrow and another 12-13 hour day tomorrow although some of that day will be fun.

We had our introductory couples session last Friday.  I survived.  I still feel stressed around harming C in couples therapy in what is likely an overblown way.

The therapist already has pushed for me to get on meds.  Since I have no health insurance this isn't likely to happen any time soon.  She noted that this is hard work and the depression could return.  She is undoubtedly correct. 

Things I learned. 

1. I still can check out very quickly - that is just go away mentally.  Although I did it less than I have in the past.
2. The fear of being overwhelmed by all this is still very real.
3. The therapist agrees that there is no good solution; our job is to do the best we can with what we have - it was good to hear that from someone else.
4. Most troubling - C has outed me to my mother.

I'm not really sure what to make of #4 yet.  Knowing my mother she pushed and prodded C to know what was going on.  I really don't know what to make of this bit of information.  I am a little surprised I am not angrier.

Well - tomorrow is my individual and this Saturday is couples session #2.

Question to consider now is when do I say what.  And how do I say it.  Do I want to leave the door open for other conversations.

And the worry around work.  C and I have been out twice for work meetings in the past week.  We are known as a couple that works well together and we do.  What are the repercussions at work.  Is it time to start looking again. 

Damn this sucks on so many levels.

Can't go over it.
Can't go under it.
Can't go around it.
Got to go through it.