Pity Party

Been a day.

Everyone around here is a bit down and the dumps and cranky.  I feel responsible for everything.  I've been distracted or rather unable to concentrate today.  TGT and my options, worries about the future, concerns about balls I've dropped are the order of the day. 

My mood reflect the weather here - cold and wet.

On the other hand there is a bit of anticipation as well.  Cameron is right in his comment here that there is hope of a brighter future with renewed and new traditions that I can build.  But I want to stamp my feet, take my toys and go home - to avoid the pain I'm in and I'm causing others.  That will all get worse as we tell the kids.

The resolution for today is

1. To feel that pain (I've spent far too much time ignoring it) 
2. To find communities I can share with - I had been near a city that had a gay dad's and another gay married men's group.  I have different communities here.  And need to reach out more.
3. To continue to realize that I can no longer go back.  The way is forward.  This is the easier, softer way.  

Decision before therapy next week - oh did I say therapy was  today

1. Living arrangements
1. Where will I live
2. How close to C
2. More on strategies to talk with the kiddos

And most of all - to find other people to confide in.  Tonight I wanted to tell C that I feel like I've dropped so many balls over the years.  But that's not hers to hear.  Or maybe it is - get clarity around that sort of boundry.

So not a pity party.  But a realization that there is a lot of heavy lifting to do.  And that I am making the  effort to lift with my knees and not my back :)