C and I went for a walk today. It's something we did pretty regularly after I first came out to her. We'd walk and talk for 45+ minutes. For both of us it was a good thing. It cleared the air; it made each of us feel heard; it made us each feel safe. C is an extrovert - she needs to process out loud to another person.
But I am not a talker. Inevitably, I would back off from the talking. There were many reasons: things looked good so don't rock the boat, I'm thinking of leaving but don't say anything yet, I haven't fully thought things out yet - I'm an introvert, I don't want to think things out fully - I'm afraid of where they'll lead.
But back to today. We must have walked for 30-45 minutes. Walking and chatting. At one point C was crying. It is so easy to misunderstand each other in the insanity of a "mixed orientation marriage." It doesn't help that our oldest is a bit screwed up right now especially in C's eyes. C thinks the oldest is thinking she might be trans rather than lesbian. My take is she is who she is even if she is a he. Not what I want - the added stigma. But in case you haven't noticed we're not always dealt a fair hand.
C has had it tougher in some ways since I checked out mentally a while back - depression and all. That has been going on intermittently for 6 years now.
We also spent a bit of time talking about the kids and coming out to them. That felt good.
The kicker came as we talked about what the kids might fear. That is, they might fear that we would separate. My response was my usual punt - "we're working that out." C thought they (as she does) might need more than that.
My response was that we would tell them that we would be there for them to care for them and to love them no matter what else. That that was our job and we would do that. C's response gave me hope and reminded me of something I've been fearing of late.
"Even if we're not together we'll still be family." I'm not sure what form I want that to take, but I do know that C and I have been very good with and for each other over the past 27 years of marriage - our 27th anniversary is around the corner.
The hope is that we will be able to be far more than civil to each other. The fear is that I will hurt her sufficiently that it will not be healthy for her to keep in close contact. What I know sitting here is that I am responsible for only my side of the relationship. I am not and cannot be in control of what C does or feels.
Damn - I'm almost healthy :)
Perhaps more importantly for the first time in a very long time I am hopeful for the future in a manner that doesn't require me to have blinders on.
On a side note, Geoffrey at "A Journey by myself" but out a post here that I too feel. I don't have a clue as to what brought it on. I do know that at times I pour a bit of me into this. Ultimately, I am writing all of this for myself primarily. It helps me keep straight (so to speak) what's going on in my head. Writing it down makes me consider things more deeply. Secondly, it acts as a journal - when I first started I was afraid to have anything locally on a computer. It is so easy for me to forget where I've been. Going and reading over old posts has, on occasion, helped me - even if it's only to say damn I'm doing it again. If my blog helps others great! If it doesn't, go and read elsewhere.
It all sounds very positive! If you and your wife keep talking and being respectful of each other, this will go a long way to ending up with a workable family unit, even one that exists in two separate households.
ReplyDeleteYour kids might quickly discover (as mine did) that it is better living in two relatively happier households than in one fraught with tension.
Being respectful should help you and your wife avoid an adversarial, legal battle costing tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars. Such a battle would benefit no one, especially not the kids and their future regarding education etc.
To offer some unsolicited advice, it's also extremely important to avoid the common mistake of coming-out husbands to leap to soon into a highly visible, slutty "gay lifestyle." It is publically humiliating for the wife involved and she usually retaliates through legal / financial battles and by trying to turn the kids against her ex husband.
And yes, I love the fact that I blogged most of my 2.5 year journey .... one day, I'll read it again and be amazed that I survived!
Buddy Bear knows what he's talking about!
DeleteIf you already have a good relationship with your wife, which you do, splitting up doesn't have to change that. Without a doubt you will both go through an adjustment period where you learn to become comfortable with your changed relationship, but there's no reason why a split needs to create any animosity. If you act like an ass or flaunt a bf or your new-found happiness in her face, that will hurt and anger her, but if you make gradual changes, you'll both adjust and your relationship will stay strong and positive.
Also, it doesn't take long for most straight women to realize that they don't want to be married to a gay man. Why would they? Becoming single in mid-life is really scary, and they dread that, but it's also a big opportunity and, by a huge margin, most wives prefer to be single than to be stuck in a marriage that has no chance of being fulfilling.
With respect to kids, overwhelmingly these days they don't care. Unlike a spouse, they don't feel hurt or anger that they've been tricked. Their reality is that you are their father and you will always be their father. Just as you will always love them, they will always love you. I've heard quite a few coming-out-to-the-kids stories over the past few years and only heard one story about a kid who had an issue. He said he couldn't help it, but he'd always think about his dad as being his straight dad, not his gay dad. If that's the worst that can happen, we're all doing pretty darn good!
A year from now you'll be able to look back and see that everything has worked out just fine. The emotional roller coaster is not easy, but both you and C will be able to get off that ride and you'll not only survive but you'll remain good friends.
Thanks guys. No apology necessary for advice. Caring advice especially from folks who have walked in the same shoes is always welcome.
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