Exercises in Futilility

Exercises in futility - like pissing in the wind - is when something is done despite the fact that it is almost certainly bound to be a failure.  Pissing in the wind is an excellent example - the first (and one hopes only) time a boy does it he realizes that he doesn't want to make it a habit.  Just turn around and voila it works a lot better and drier. 

Today I saw this sand castle - I helped build it.  Building a sand castle on a sand bar as the tide is coming in is an exercise in futility - it is bound to fail.  Sooner, rather than later, it will be swept up by the inevitability of the rising ocean.  All the moats and all the walls will be futile.  The sand will wash everything away quickly or even more quickly.  In the end it will be like there never was a castle.  There will be nothing to show for all the efforts made to make the castle.

Not just to be morbid, but this is in a very real way relevant to life in general and dealing with being gay and married.  Failure is inevitable.  In the end we will die.  Dealing with being married and gay is bound to end in some sort of unhappiness - it is as they say a "less than ideal" situation even if it can be seemingly reconciled.  It is like building a sand castle below the high tide mark or pissing in the wind.

Sort of a depressing thought.

But I had a hell of a lot of fun helping the kiddos build the sand castle this morning.  Sure we knew that in the end the castle would be destroyed by the oncoming ocean.  In the end they helped it along because we had to leave - home from vacation already.  A good part of the joy was in the whole process.

And so it dawned on me, yet again.  Enjoy the process.  Create joy and happiness just where I am now.  In the end there is something to be shown for all the effort.  There is the joy one finds, creates and shares on the journey. 

So, the 6 hour ride with the first 45 minutes in traffic I should have been able to avoid is hellishly long.  Because of circumstances and the amount of crap we bring we take two different vehicles.  At the end I am happy as a lark.  Sure, I'm sore and creaky - proof that I am the last throes of 40-something.  But the ride was joyous.  Getting everything into the house was great.  Running out for Chinese was fun as I listened to music full blast.  Now we'll see how long I am able to keep that attitude.

But the benefit of the blog already is that I can look back and see where I am repeating the same dysfunction and where I make progress.  I can see where I find joy even in an exercise of futility.  I can see where the effort is worth it.  Besides there are all sorts of wonderful sights if one has his eyes open on the journey.

Good things come to those who wait?

Ok. So I didn't get to P-town in June. But I'm here on July 1.


Town Hall




Even the ships have Pride here.




Commercial Street.

So that's the good news. I'm sitting here waiting for lunch looking out at the water. Gay rather than straight is the assumption. Or the assumption is that if you're here you don't particularly care what the other person is. Unless you're interested in them.

On that note it's been interesting checking guys out and, unless I'm wildly mistaken, being checked out.

The less than good. So I'm here walking around finally relaxed and C calls. For good reason I should say. But she says where are you now. I say still in P-town. I get the "oh!". I didn't know that's where you were going.

To be honest I don't know that I did say exactly where I was going. And then it comes, "You've shut me out."

She's right and wrong there. I haven't shut here out, but rather continue to live two different lives - a gay one and a straight seeming one. They don't do a lot of talking to each other.

That is, I don't shut C out. I shut down the gay part. That's why I've been anxious and/or depressed since Thursday. The gay part knew it was going to have a chance to get out and had to be restrained.

That is no way to live.

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Guilt

Buddy Bear wrote a wonderful blog entry on guilt a week or so ago - I don't know how to link to it but peruse for it; it's worth reading. It's been on my mind because I am riddles with it right now.

We're on vacation. A lit of what is going through my head is that I'm going to fuck it all up. The kids, the wife, the life. My kids are amazing and that's not just the proud father. Sure they bicker and argue on occasion. But they get along amazingly well with each other.

Then the guilt or second guessing comes in. If I (selfishly) act on being gay/ move out/change how things are will this negatively impact the kids. Of course it will. But will having a dad who is disconnected be any better?

And that is what I am now. This morning C drops a "I need more. I know you're not attracted to me sexually (true), but I need to think someone cares.". I do care, but I can't seem to be able to give her what she wants. Then I get cranky and disconnected. I can feel the depression moving in like the high tide - slowly and inexorably.

But now a couple of hours later it hasn't. Being in the moment and enjoying where I am helps. The meds do too I'm sure. The tension is still there. Do I stay or do I go - the song is going through the head. But right now I'm where I am waiting while the oldest tries on a dress.

Tomorrow P-town if it is going to happen. Did many of the things on the to do list. Still need to do the meditation to begin to center again. I haven't read any if the books I brought!!



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Democracy sucks

Outvoted 6 to 1 and stuck in a Christmas Tree Shop!!



But got time to look email and blogs.

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The smell of ocean

We made it. 5 hours of driving. For logistical reasons we take two vehicles. The oldest and I left first. We missed our goal of 7 am. Thank god. The oldest likes coffee, but Starbucks was a bit strong for the oldest taste.

Sad news. No Internet connection. Have to use the phone and type with my thumbs.



Feels good to be here. I grew up with this sort of geography. And the smell of the ocean. I love the smell of the ocean. Sand on the feet. The wind.

It's been a bit hectic getting everything set. The people before us and or the cleaning people leave a lot to be desired.

Time to be the kids.

(3 hours later) We went to the beach and found a sand dollar. I used to find them by the dozen as a kid.


It feels wonderful to have my feet in the water.


The last time we were here, 2 years ago, we were in the same house. I remember getting here and going to bed. I don't think I could get out of my own way for the first couple of days. It was only a few months PD (post disclosure).

So much has changed in the past two years. So much remains the same. It has indeed been and continues to be a long strange trip.

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I Love NY

New York approves gay marriage!!

SLOW DOWN ELMF

So two of the kids and I were running a last minute errand.  Okay, I was running off to work to get a couple of books I wanted to peruse in the next week.  There has been road construction on a main drag near work for the past 15 months - part of the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act. 

So we get to the intersection where it is particularly bad; I avoid it at all costs during the day.  I notice that it looks like they may be repaving this part of the road again.  Then we see the oddest sign as we wait at the light.  It's a new sign; it wasn't there in the afternoon when I was going home.

 SLOW

DOWN

ELMF

It's flashing toward the traffic coming down the other road into the intersection; the road they're working on.  We talk about the sign - slow down elm-f.  Slow down elf.  We start to laugh.  I pull forward as far as I safely can. Still we see "SLOW DOWN ELMF".  What does it mean?  What the heck is an "elmf"? 

The light turns green and we move through the intersection.  And we see it.  "SLOW DOWN BUMP".  We were missing the right hand side of the letters on the last word.  From our perspective we could not see the whole picture.  We could see most of it, but since we couldn't see it all we were left to guess and couldn't even get close.

Wonderful teaching opportunity.  The youngest and oldest were with me.  We talked about how when you can't see the whole picture you can jump to a conclusion that's wrong.  Or as in our case you may not even have a clue as to what's going on.

A few yards down the road it dawns on me.  I can't see the whole picture.  I can't even see most of it all the time.  All I know is my little piece and that is all I have to work with.  This is oddly freeing.  I may be seeing ELMF with regard to being gay and married to a woman.  But a decade ago I couldn't even see that there was a sign let alone that there might be a message on it. 

Next month or next year, if I continue to do the work and remain on the journey, I may see a little more of the sign.  I may discover a missing part that changes how I view things.  Like this sign told us, there will inevitably be bumps on the road.  When there are I will slow down to navigate safely, but keep moving in the best direction I can make out with the partial picture I can see at that time.

But all I can do is respond to the picture that I currently see.