Agonizing or ulterior motives exposed?

Two Lives who writes If I Do the Right Thing commented on my last post.  I think he is right - I am on a slow crawl toward the inevitable and agonizing about it.  I am not sure that C sees it as inevitable, but I am by no means sure; that I am not sure is a symptom of our waning communication.  Nor am I sure that she would eventually throw me out for that (which I don't think is a particularly good/healthy thing for her). 

The agonizing is what interests me here though. 

More to the point, I wonder sometimes if I am not moving slowly and cautiously so that (in the hope that) C will eventually say - "enough is enough - get the F*** out of here."  She has mentioned this.  That is, she has said that she will not fall into that trap - if I want to go I have to man up and say it.   It would be easier on my part if C does throw me out.  I am not the bad guy then, the guy who left his family to live as a gay man.  I would then, in a sense, be absolved of guilt.  And of responsibility. 

My issue in one sense is simple.  I want to avoid pain.  I don't want to feel it.  I don't want to cause it.  I don't want to be seen to be causing it.  At work one of my volunteer's grand daughters is in crisis.  She's been married for 4-5 years with a small child and the husband up and left.  Even though that is not where I am or what I am doing there is that fear.  The scorn, disbelief and confusion in the volunteers voice is palpable. 

Then there is the twisted pride behind some of it.  C once reminded me way back in the beginning that I am not all that important.  If I were to leave she would be able to deal.  Not that it would be easy or that's what she wants, but it would not be the end of the world.  "Now I have become Shiva, destroyer of worlds."  If I leave things will fall apart.  I am the lynchpin, or at least one of them, in the lives of C and the kids.


Really, I am that important?  C does claim that the kids "would never be the same".  Well of course.  And if C or I die; if a grandparent dies, if a friend moves away, . . . they will not be the same.  Life is, after all, about adjusting to the decisions we make and the situations we find ourselves in with varying levels of control.   Some of that is C trying to maneuver me into staying or so I think.

But really, the kids will survive.  I am the product of a "broken home" and I turned out okay.  Well not really for quite a few years, but that ball was in my court not my parents.   I will be there more for my kids than my dad was - not difficult given that I hardly ever saw him again over the next 20 years of his life.  I will show up and be counted.  I will man up. 

So now it's time to continue on the job hunt - more money being the prime goal.  If you know of any good non-profit admin jobs in the northeastern US or even eastern Canada shoot me an email!! 

And then to read Jim at Conflicting Clarity about a year and a half ago.

Off to the shrink of Friday and out on the town Friday night.

The plan is still the same, but it may be time to man up.  My experience tells me that I won't.  At least not right away.  But that in the end I will.  There is not a heck of a lot of choice is there.

One of the wonderful things about the blogosphere is that there are others out there with the same story.  Not only am I not alone in that sense, but I have the opportunity to learn from the mistakes of those who have preceded me.  What a wonderful thing it is to learn from the mistakes of others. 

Im Westen nichts Neues (All Quiet on the Western Front)

I love Wikipedia.  Information that's usually reliable at one's fingertips, at least about some things. 

So sitting at work today with the brain zaps that are really detracting from my quality of life.  I can't concentrate well, I have the constant zapping - sometimes as loud as an electric bug zapper or crickets and I am on edge - anything can set me into a rage.  I almost had #3 in tears yesterday over nothing, but was able to pull it back in time.

Anyway, C says yesterday that she would like to spend time chatting with me.  Just to connect.  But it's clear to both of us that this is not a good time given how labile I've been.

But that has made me begin to think of where I am and what I need.  First the job search is going slowly.  I was beginning to think that I could stay where I am.  The work is great, the workers are great, even if being out would be difficult.  But another discussion with those above me made it clear that this would not be wise.  While I only encounter them very irregularly, I want to dope slap them.  They don't get the organization, they don't get the cash flow, they don't do much of anything to help - whine, whine.  So issue #1, get a job; it is time to move on for many reasons.  This will likely involve moving, at least for me.  Which gets to #2.  

#2 is that I love C, she loves me, we have a relationship that is better than most hetero-hetero ones we know.  But, and indeed it is a big but(t) (nice opportunity to add a gratuitous picture), the incompatibility is too much when we are together.  My experience show that I cannot sanely keep my feet in two different worlds.  I am the one who is split in two.  Sure divorce will likely temporarily split C in two.  Staying together will most likely permanently split me in two.  Frankly divorce will temporarily split me in two - but that will be temporary; I will heal from that sort of split.

I know the track record too well.   I suppress being gay with limited outlets like the internet.  I become detached from life.  I become depressed.  I realize it does not work doing that.  I get better.  Things are good as they are; I don't want to disrupt the status quo.  I suppress being gay . . . and the cycle begins again.  I mentioned a poem bu Portia Nelson on my June 27, 2011 post that sums up the process well.  I'm on the same street again.  But now I have a map both to avoid the whole and to find a different street. 

The meds have helped with the depression piece.  In that sense the Effexor did work.  My hope is that the med I'm on now will do that and not have the side effects and withdrawal nightmare.  The cycle was quicker without a deep sink into depression.  In that sense the effexor was even worth it as much as it has had negative effects.

So, The Plan.

1.  Maintain status quo for now.  Maybe even let on that I think the marriage can work.  That is a dangerous game since in order to lie I will likely have to come to believe it myself. 

2.  Set things up to make it easier to split.  Encourage C to go back to school.

3.  Remember it could be a lengthy process.  I may have to stick around in some sense for a while to set things up well.  I love C and the kids and want to do right by them (and me).

4.  Job - get one that pays better.  I think a third of my pay will be child support.  I was the product of a divorce where this was not done.  I don't think any support, or at least not much, was paid.

5.  Be out. 

Okay not not quite like the to the right with the mohawk.  I have never wanted a mohawk - good thing since I couldn't have a real one for at least a decade.

Be out like

Most of this was written yesterday.

The zaps are a little better right now.  I found a site that says breathing deeply works on the zaps and on the anger.  It also works on my blood pressure which has been elevated.  Yet another reason to restart meditation.  Maybe I will this time.

I don't like the plan I out lined above.  It sucks!  But it is the best plan out there.  Life is good, but often unfair.  "What's good?  Life's good; but not fair at all."  Lou Reed.

Effexor Sucks

My apologies in advance if the post is a bit disjointed - that's how I feel.  I've been of the generic version of effexor since the end of April.  I moved from 37.5 to 75 and then to 150mg pretty quickly.  The good news was that the depression and anxiety lifted markedly within a couple of weeks.

The depression got really bad over the past bit as I struggled to suppress being gay.  Became dangerous again early in the year.  C and the therapist finally forced/threatened me to go on meds - thank god.

But then the side effects - wicked dry mouth which went away.  Then the sexual ones.  Lack of libido, then to add insult to injury even when I could get it up I couldn't get it out.  One of the side effects of this crap is inability to orgasm (happens in women too according to a friend). 

So two weeks ago I talk to the shrink.  He moves me back to 37.5 (he had already moved me from 150 to 75mg).  And adds that if the sexual dysfunction keeps up I could get off it and maintain the wellbutrin he'd put me on.  The dysfunction lessens, but I decide Wednesday should be my last dose given the side effects including blood pressure issues which has C freaked. 

Then Thursday at 6pm, the time I take the dose, I notice that I feel kind of crappy.  A bit dizzy almost.  And it's like I have trouble finding words or like I'm a printed page with words randomly missing.

Brain zaps begin later that day.  It feels like and sounds like very small electrical pulses in the head.  Yes, sounds like - auditory and visual hallucinations are a potential side effect.  At least I haven't seen anything that's not there (I hope).  The zaps seem less when I don't move at all - any movement can bring them on.  I went from 9am to 4pm and again from 8pm to 9:30pm with very few.  Sometimes I get as many as 25-50 a minute - one right after the other. 

Insomnia is a side effect too - hence the 2:30am local time that I'm doing this.  

Time to be still at least to lessen the zaps.  To sleep - perchance to dream.

Not sure how long the withdrawal will last.   Again - what a long strange trip

Highly offensive and offended

As a former Catholic, former altar boy and, dare I say it, former seminarian, I find  the picture in Michael-in-Norfolk's post HERE  (picture to the right) highly offensive.  The picture equates Benedict XVI with Darth Vader.  This is unjustified and unfair.

The picture should be retracted as soon as possible with a public apology.  How dare anyone compare the Holy Father to Darth Vader. 





Now Michael could well have used photos such as these below.

Or even this video. 

All are far less offensive.

We must remember that, in the end, Darth Vader rejected the Dark Side and embraced goodness.  Thus far Benedict and his minions seem more like the Emperor - bent on continuing to corrupt others even when faced with the consequences of their actions.  To equate Benedict and Darth Vader is to do Vader a grave disservice.  A comparison with Darth Sidious with his unrepentant attitude seems much more justified.

More to the point and with my tongue removed from my cheek, Michael and the NCR are correct to point out the hubris, ignorance and utterly failed leadership of a bunch of guys most assume are straight speaking about gay marriage especially when they ignored, facilitated and/or participated in acts of sexual savagery with children - both male and female.  And then blamed this savagery on "homosexuals" instead of their own complicity and participation. And further commenced on a witch-hunt on gays and lesbians (women religious) as if preventing their participation in vowed religious life will be a panacea.  While comparing Benedict XVI (not so warmly referred to as "the Rat" when he was merely Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger) to Darth Sidious might be overstated, it hits far too close to home, especially for those of us who know people affected by predator clergy.  Five.  I know that I know 5 people who were sexually abused by priests.  I am sure there are others who have not shared that with me.

I am (no longer) alone

I got a comment from Not Alone who blogs at Gay Married in the Midwest.  He stated, "you are not alone."

I think that that has been one of the most amazing things over the years.  Six, eight years ago when the process first began, I knew of one person who had come out in a marriage.  It was the woman of a couple C and I knew who came out, moved out, and moved in with another friend of ours.  The husband was devastated and was for some time.  It all happened within the course of a few months.

So, I thought that there was no one out there in the same situation.  The gay Episcopal priest I went to in the very beginning was very little help - he was no help at all, except that he was cute and I realized how gay I was when I wanted to jump his bones.  The thought still brings a smile to my face and . . . But he did not suggest any connection to a group or individual who were in the same situation.

Here I was 18 years married (at the time), just coming out to myself and feeling completely alone, isolated and bereft of all support. 

I felt battered and hopeless.  My solution of suppressing being gay more did NOT work.  That suppression led to depression and suicidality.  Just today I was thinking - I haven't seriously wanted to kill myself in months!!  The sad thing is that that is remarkable; it's a sad thing that I should feel great because I've not wanted to kill myself for months instead of never having felt that way.

But Not Alone is right.  I am not alone.

There are tons of us out there - way more than I ever thought.  For those who may still feel alone let me share resources I have found - some of which I've used.

Internet groups/listservs:

HOW - Husbands out to their wives - contact Frazer - frazer.jones@gmail.com.

HUGS - Hope-Understanding-Growth-Support.
For "mixed orientation couples"  Both must join- HUGS

MMOMW Making Mixed Orientation Marriages Work  MMOMW

Bisexual Married Men of America BMMA

MMOM Monogamous Mixed Orientation Marriage MMOM

Spouses out to their spouses SOTTS

The above seem focused somewhat or entirely on working within a male/female marriage.  Some are very explicit that this is the goal.

Forum for married/bi men HERE

Closed Loop Relationships They state, "A closed-loop relationship consists of two married men who don't cheat on their wives with other women and who don't fool around with other guys."  As I understand it ideally the wives know.

Gaymarriedmen

Other Websites I found helpful

Married Male

Married Gay

Gay Friendly Religious Sites - haven't always checked these out
Be VERY careful not to wonder into some ex-gay bullshit.  I've seen Christian, Jewish and Muslim ex-gay groups out there.  It's easy to wander into and REALLY warped.
I don't know about you, but I've run into a disproportionate amount of guys who are or were raised conservative or Orthodox Jews, Roman Catholics and evangelicals.  Perhaps those traditions are  closet makers.

Whosoever

Gay Christian Network - note they accept folks who think gay relationships are fine and those who think it is fine to be gay, but not to be gay sexually. But they seem to explicitly reject ex-gay BS.

Gay Buddhist Sangha

Gay Buddhist Open Forum Yahoo Group

Queer Jews in Sydney

Jewish Gay Youth

This site expired a couple of weeks ago.   I included it in case it comes back online Al-fatiha

Gay & Lesbian Arab Society

Imaan

Inner Circle

Gay and Lesbian Vaishnava Association

Geographically specific sites

Gay Fathers Association Seattle

Gay Married Men Washington DC GAMMA

 Other GAMMA affiliates

Boston Gay and Bisexual Marred Men   My hometown!!  They have wonderful links

NYC two groups at the GLBT Center - Gay/bi dads and NYC Married Men's Group - Located HERE

Check out the LGBT Center near you - a directory of US and some others is HERE.  Note it's by no means all inclusive.  The one closest to me is not listed.

And yes Buddy Bear and others who sprinkle "u"s randomly in words like honour and colour this is an awfully US-centric list except for the Muslim list.  However, I bet that these Gay Married men know where to put the favourite u into you.  Gay Married Men

I'm sure there are tons of other sites out there.  I found it helpful to ALWAYS look for the links page (or resources page) even if a site I was on was only marginally helpful; I've found many a gem there.  Sort of like checking out other guys blogroll - not that you have to restrict yourself to checking out his blogroll!!

Some days just suck (and not in a good way).  Work-wise in this case.

Problems of the closet

So, we're invited as a friend of the family to go to a July 4th party. C, the kids and I go. It's at the house of the father of C's friend. She is the only one besides C to know I'm gay at least as far as I know.

Now the father is a retired career navy guy - commander if I recall correctly (Lt Colonel equivalent). Anyway he's a sweet guy but a bit of a blowhard, racist, chauvinist and homophobe. We're eating dessert and I'm at another table when I overhear him say lesbian marine. Then it goes on for a bit and all agree at that table that they wouldn't want someone light in the loafers serving with them.

I am in the closet to all of these people. They would be shocked if they knew - or so I like to think. Not everyone has been so shocked. But the trouble remains and I sit there in silence.

The second problem of the closet concerns anniversaries.  What do you get for your 25th wedding anniversary? Yes, today, July 5th is C and my 25th wedding anniversary. 

We got a note on Facebook congratulating us for "an exemplary marriage"  Really?  Well in some ways ok, but as C joked - should I give the person a call and let them know what is really going on.  She won't - the closet again.

It seems we may go out to eat tomorrow night - for Indian.  We are hoping to get away at the end of July or in August.  But wtf - what do you get for each other when the husband is gay?  A romantic evening or getaway just seems to miss the point altogether. 

But then it dawned on me.  His and her boyfriends!  That would fit the bill nicely.

Tomorrow should be interesting.  Anniversary.  Back to work at a place I really don't want to be.  My job search is going poorly.  But again the joy is in the journey and I had some of that today.  Off to bed.