Okay. So it's been a heck of a week. Our therapy is on Saturday - said as clearly as I have so far that I do not see how marriage can work. Tears on both of our parts.
Bottom line - it's so fucking sad and so fucking unfair. BUT it is. And we need to move from there.
And we have. We have continued to talk and to hold each other. I am not sure how it will progress. The marriage is changing. C thinks that I am being unrealistic in thinking we can still be friends and live in proximity to each other. My take is that is best for the kids and probably for us too. Sure I'd love to run off to San Francisco, P-town, or Chelsea, but that too would be inauthentic.
Instead the goal is to take the easier and softer path, even when it seems more difficult. It is to stay engaged and involved, to stay present, to experience the pain and then to move through it.
But then, sometimes I doubt my grip on reality - is this really happening? Am I somehow making this up? Are you sure you're gay? Are you doing all of this for nothing? On and on it can go. Right now it's difficult because I do not feel terribly attracted to men. I don't feel attracted to anything - I've suppressed it all. But truth be told the idea of sex with a woman besides C is definitely unattractive. Whereas the idea of sex with a random (and at least reasonably attractive) man is not unattractive. Proof by negation :)
Bottom line again - this is real; this sucks; I can survive this. The last is crucial - seeing C's pain makes me realize the pain this situation is causing in her and that hurts. It also makes me see the pain I've felt for the past 5 years. 5 years that I have been dealing (or avoiding dealing) with this. I am ready for the pain to fade and some joy to come back in.
On a different front - As if this were not enough, I am actively looking for work as well. And have been for a while. It is time to move on for all sorts of reasons. I have two prospects at this point who have seen my stuff and called me. Both would offer 60-100% more money than now - that is crucial going forward if we have separate residences and is some of what is driving the search.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Twice in a month
Reflections on today. My wife spent a bit of time yesterday calling psychiatrists. For me. She started to panic after using words like "psych eval" and "I'm not sure he's safe" At that point they were telling her to ship me off to the ER to be admitted. I am safe btw.
So, I seem to have "complicated coming out." As I understand it, complicated grief is grief that lasts over a year. My process has been stuck for well over that time. Why? Why have I been stuck. Well the options seem to be stay within the marriage with varying amounts of being out. That is, no sexual or romantic activity other than with my wife. To leave the marriage in one sense or another which opens up the possibility of other outlets. Or to open the marriage on one or both sides.
Option 1 - opening the marriage. This does not seem satisfactory to either my wife or myself.
Option 2 - status quo - remain married. Attractive in so many ways. Wife is my best friend and been there for and with me. Status quo with the kids is good. Life in general works well as it is. Except for one small thing. I'm gay and trying to live the status quo led to calling the shrink's office today for an appointment before the end of the month. Should be on happy pills soon :-). It's led to heart issues and enough anxiety, depression and anger that my behavior has gotten worrisome.
Ergo, Option 3 - leaving the marriage in some sense. Spiritually/morally if not legally.
We've been dealing with my statement that I see no way out other than Option 3 or celibacy.
Funny thing is I don't want the 3rd option, but now that I've said it and thought it there seems to be a break, a change. We'll see if it lasts.
What a long strange trip it's been.
Jim
So, I seem to have "complicated coming out." As I understand it, complicated grief is grief that lasts over a year. My process has been stuck for well over that time. Why? Why have I been stuck. Well the options seem to be stay within the marriage with varying amounts of being out. That is, no sexual or romantic activity other than with my wife. To leave the marriage in one sense or another which opens up the possibility of other outlets. Or to open the marriage on one or both sides.
Option 1 - opening the marriage. This does not seem satisfactory to either my wife or myself.
Option 2 - status quo - remain married. Attractive in so many ways. Wife is my best friend and been there for and with me. Status quo with the kids is good. Life in general works well as it is. Except for one small thing. I'm gay and trying to live the status quo led to calling the shrink's office today for an appointment before the end of the month. Should be on happy pills soon :-). It's led to heart issues and enough anxiety, depression and anger that my behavior has gotten worrisome.
Ergo, Option 3 - leaving the marriage in some sense. Spiritually/morally if not legally.
We've been dealing with my statement that I see no way out other than Option 3 or celibacy.
Funny thing is I don't want the 3rd option, but now that I've said it and thought it there seems to be a break, a change. We'll see if it lasts.
What a long strange trip it's been.
Jim
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
It must be an April thing
Almost 2 years since I've written. Wow. Reading back was helpful to me. And sad not a lot has changed. Still married; still muddling through. Been a bit of a rough time lately. Wife called a psychiatrist today who suggested that she take me to the ER. They are worried that I am not safe.
Still in therapy with the same person - who for the most part is wonderful and usually spot on. The last 4-6 weeks have been particularly tough. I've realized the marriage at least as it is is not working. My MO seems to be sweep it all under the rug and hope it will go away. It doesn't. I am a gay man married to a woman - that's a fundamental disconnect. While there may be some who can make non-monogamy work I am not sure that I can and I do not think my wife can.
It is very much a Sophie's Choice, Scylla and Charybdis, rock and a hard place.
Perhaps I'll continue to write - feels good. And it was helpful to read back.
Peace
Jim
Still in therapy with the same person - who for the most part is wonderful and usually spot on. The last 4-6 weeks have been particularly tough. I've realized the marriage at least as it is is not working. My MO seems to be sweep it all under the rug and hope it will go away. It doesn't. I am a gay man married to a woman - that's a fundamental disconnect. While there may be some who can make non-monogamy work I am not sure that I can and I do not think my wife can.
It is very much a Sophie's Choice, Scylla and Charybdis, rock and a hard place.
Perhaps I'll continue to write - feels good. And it was helpful to read back.
Peace
Jim
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
13 May 2009
We'll see how long it lasts, but the intention is to write daily.
For the first time in a while I felt with it and actually productive at work. OK I'm taking a moment now, but have been able to stay focused otherwise - what a wonderful change.
So why - certainly it is not that I got enough sleep 6 hours is not enough. Got home from therapy at 11/11:30ish. Got on the computer to check email. Ended up IMing with a friend I have met who is on a listserv. He's got a crush on me - I am trying to back out without hurting anyone on this. That should be a delicate task. Today however, no email or IM from him - first time for that.
On that note that is about it - have to go home, make nice with my mum who is in town. Wife told mother that something was up - wife was being snappy. Said it was marital problems which really it is in part :) This morning wife and I were messing around fighting over a Nerf gun I wanted to use to shoot child #2. Wife cried out - mum was worried. I wonder - was there physical violence there at some point for that sort of reaction?? Not that I know of, but dear reader one cannot trust one's own memory - or at least mine.
Until tomorrow,
Jim
For the first time in a while I felt with it and actually productive at work. OK I'm taking a moment now, but have been able to stay focused otherwise - what a wonderful change.
So why - certainly it is not that I got enough sleep 6 hours is not enough. Got home from therapy at 11/11:30ish. Got on the computer to check email. Ended up IMing with a friend I have met who is on a listserv. He's got a crush on me - I am trying to back out without hurting anyone on this. That should be a delicate task. Today however, no email or IM from him - first time for that.
On that note that is about it - have to go home, make nice with my mum who is in town. Wife told mother that something was up - wife was being snappy. Said it was marital problems which really it is in part :) This morning wife and I were messing around fighting over a Nerf gun I wanted to use to shoot child #2. Wife cried out - mum was worried. I wonder - was there physical violence there at some point for that sort of reaction?? Not that I know of, but dear reader one cannot trust one's own memory - or at least mine.
Until tomorrow,
Jim
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
And a week goes by
Time flies when you're having fun and when you're not.
Or is it: Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
That is the sort of subtle, but ever so profound shift I feel I am in the middle of.
Most of last week went well, quickly and well. Well that's not exactly true - most of the week was not dreadful would be more accurate. I joined and online group that consists of men who are or who are working towards being out to their wives. I had to write a bio for that which was helpful - no dear reader I will not share it here - there were identifying details ;).
I began there to develop a relationship with a guy that moved WAY to fast and far - thankfully he is quite a ways away from my abode. Saturday was a bit of a waste - tried to do school work unsuccessfully. Did I mention that I am in the last throes of a masters program dear reader.
Saturday night was not so good. In the evening I told her that we needed to talk. She assumed I had something of great import, i.e., that I had sex with another man. I told her that there was a guy on the list falling for me and that I was confused. That I wanted to be intimate with a man. That I was upset.
From there things went downhill. The wife took it well, but I did not. That old friend of self-loathing returned in spades. We were up to 12 or 1 at least. A very bad night.
Sunday, not much better. Church - I think, I don't really remember. The wife reports crying softly throughout church; I hardly noticed. She was crying for me. She took a nap and I spent about 3 hours in oblivion playing games on the internet. I did not think for hours!! It was wonderful. Now I know why I had been so attracted to such games for the past 15 years.
At any rate the rest of the evening was therapeutic for me. I got some work done on that paper that was due. When my wife got home from a meeting she was at we talked and talked again. Our resolution is to be in the moment. To be there for each other. To be there for the children. And to live life honorably. I think we both realize that the marriage will not work even in the short term - next 18 months or so, but that we may very well be together in some manner for years as a support for each other.
Monday was that class I have. Today I had to speak on the phone with the man who is falling for me and who for a while I was falling for. Professionally - he would like to do something similar to what I do professionally. It was good, it was uncomfortable. There is an expression in AA - keep it in your pants for the first year - it applies here as well in the sense of not leaping before looking, especially when one is emotionally vulnerable.
And if there are two words that sum up where I am feeling wise they would be emotionally vulnerable.
Today, right now I am in a good space.
Interesting side note - I think I wrote about Fr. Roy and his stating that in his experience as a gay man he doubted he could be with a woman because "his plumbing wouldn't work". My plumbing is being uncooperative ;) My wife notes that she felt there was something queer (pun fully intended) going on for awhile in bed, but she did not know what was. Now she knows what it is.
The puzzle pieces keep falling into place -and today that's ok.
Jim
Or is it: Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
That is the sort of subtle, but ever so profound shift I feel I am in the middle of.
Most of last week went well, quickly and well. Well that's not exactly true - most of the week was not dreadful would be more accurate. I joined and online group that consists of men who are or who are working towards being out to their wives. I had to write a bio for that which was helpful - no dear reader I will not share it here - there were identifying details ;).
I began there to develop a relationship with a guy that moved WAY to fast and far - thankfully he is quite a ways away from my abode. Saturday was a bit of a waste - tried to do school work unsuccessfully. Did I mention that I am in the last throes of a masters program dear reader.
Saturday night was not so good. In the evening I told her that we needed to talk. She assumed I had something of great import, i.e., that I had sex with another man. I told her that there was a guy on the list falling for me and that I was confused. That I wanted to be intimate with a man. That I was upset.
From there things went downhill. The wife took it well, but I did not. That old friend of self-loathing returned in spades. We were up to 12 or 1 at least. A very bad night.
Sunday, not much better. Church - I think, I don't really remember. The wife reports crying softly throughout church; I hardly noticed. She was crying for me. She took a nap and I spent about 3 hours in oblivion playing games on the internet. I did not think for hours!! It was wonderful. Now I know why I had been so attracted to such games for the past 15 years.
At any rate the rest of the evening was therapeutic for me. I got some work done on that paper that was due. When my wife got home from a meeting she was at we talked and talked again. Our resolution is to be in the moment. To be there for each other. To be there for the children. And to live life honorably. I think we both realize that the marriage will not work even in the short term - next 18 months or so, but that we may very well be together in some manner for years as a support for each other.
Monday was that class I have. Today I had to speak on the phone with the man who is falling for me and who for a while I was falling for. Professionally - he would like to do something similar to what I do professionally. It was good, it was uncomfortable. There is an expression in AA - keep it in your pants for the first year - it applies here as well in the sense of not leaping before looking, especially when one is emotionally vulnerable.
And if there are two words that sum up where I am feeling wise they would be emotionally vulnerable.
Today, right now I am in a good space.
Interesting side note - I think I wrote about Fr. Roy and his stating that in his experience as a gay man he doubted he could be with a woman because "his plumbing wouldn't work". My plumbing is being uncooperative ;) My wife notes that she felt there was something queer (pun fully intended) going on for awhile in bed, but she did not know what was. Now she knows what it is.
The puzzle pieces keep falling into place -and today that's ok.
Jim
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
How many times can you listen to Comfortably Numb in an hour?
About 10.
I go to see the therapist I mentioned. On the way home I begin to grieve for that little boy of 10-12 that I was. It's raining, I'm driving and need to distract myself. Pink Floyd works :) Particularly appropriately since I am numb - a good night sleep might help!
I've been distracted at everything I've done for the past couple of weeks. Fortunately, nothing major has been messed up.
A step at a time at this point is key. My wife today said it's like our marriage has a disease and might die - I didn't appreciate the analogy, but she goes on that she doesn't mean that TGT is the disease, but that it is that the marriage might die so we have to enjoy each moment we have. Wow. Not sure where to take that. We chat a while longer, she goes to sleep, I come to the computer - so much for a good night sleep.
Jim
I go to see the therapist I mentioned. On the way home I begin to grieve for that little boy of 10-12 that I was. It's raining, I'm driving and need to distract myself. Pink Floyd works :) Particularly appropriately since I am numb - a good night sleep might help!
I've been distracted at everything I've done for the past couple of weeks. Fortunately, nothing major has been messed up.
A step at a time at this point is key. My wife today said it's like our marriage has a disease and might die - I didn't appreciate the analogy, but she goes on that she doesn't mean that TGT is the disease, but that it is that the marriage might die so we have to enjoy each moment we have. Wow. Not sure where to take that. We chat a while longer, she goes to sleep, I come to the computer - so much for a good night sleep.
Jim
Friday, May 1, 2009
The circle gets wider
Coming out is interestingly difficult and easy. At work this morning we had our usual group meeting with a social worker to process some of the more difficult things we deal with. I had told her about a "friend" who is gay and might need/want to see someone. Turns out she has dealt with us before. After our meeting I walked her out and told her that I am the friend - difficult, but easy. Again acceptance - her response was a hug and a kiss.
At home things are wonderfully difficult. We are talking with each other and continue to be very careful and loving with each other. The kids are getting some of the flak from our stress. But the wife and I are doing well.
Not that everything is rosey. She did cry herself to sleep last night as I held her. Her dream or expectation that we would grow old together is at risk. She knows this. And she fears this. As do I.
Humor remains the key I think. It has kept both of us sane - yesterday I shared this video with the wife:
The tune just keeps going through my head :)
Jim
At home things are wonderfully difficult. We are talking with each other and continue to be very careful and loving with each other. The kids are getting some of the flak from our stress. But the wife and I are doing well.
Not that everything is rosey. She did cry herself to sleep last night as I held her. Her dream or expectation that we would grow old together is at risk. She knows this. And she fears this. As do I.
Humor remains the key I think. It has kept both of us sane - yesterday I shared this video with the wife:
The tune just keeps going through my head :)
Jim
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)